Beauty for Ashes

The father’s strong hands gently capture the little one’s dark chin stained with her humble tears. He raises her head just enough to see her own reflection in His eyes.

“How can I possibly believe that beautiful woman is me? God, can that possibly be me?”

I tried and strived and cried all my life because I thought I was ugly. After all from the time I was a youth I’d been told I wasn’t pretty. I was convinced. I believed it. So I covered up, ashamed lest anyone would see the dark skin and short hair and assume the interior was just as undesirable. A child with theatre and music and poetry in her heart. A soul that adored beauty itself and longed for it all around her. This child was convinced that it was something she’d never posses. Its reminiscent of the bard Countee Cullen’s anguished cry:

“…yet do I marvel at this one thing. To make a poet black and bid him sing.”

What I really wanted was for someone to look into my eyes and even if they couldn’t see the beauty in my physical appearance, I wanted them to see my soul. And if they should find any beauty there. Anything of value and substance. That they would believe that it truly is me. It truly is real. And that it truly is a glimpse of what God created me to be.

Not a façade or a masquerade mask intentionally, deceptively trying to hide some hideous interior. Not some strategic smoke screen or a subtly spun web created by some scheming spider to seduce an unwitting victim. No, that kind of beauty is gaudy, superficial and fleeting; offensive. Like the brash lights of the sinful desert in comparison to the humble natural beauty of a starlit sky.

Rather, pure beauty - the kind that is not skin-deep - can only be bartered for mountains of ashes. This kind of beauty takes the breath away and at its most humble state can reach the heart of the most callous, most jaded. It becomes one with the bearer. It flows like a peaceful river from the depths of the soul and cannot be separated from the being without exacting blood, tendons, and nerve fibers. It shines deep in the innermost chambers of the heart and spills forth at times of the least effort—in a candid, vulnerable moment—a word, a gentle caress, a tender smile. So unexpected, so unrehearsed so honest, that the act becomes a vivid, transparent a sketch, a tableau of a beautiful soul.

That’s what I’ve asked You for. What You’ve promised me. And now that me is finally finding the light of day. Finally feeling the sun on her skin and the wind in her braids. That me is finally discovering her reflection in the calm river of her soul. Every trial that lied and said that she wasn’t loved, every tear that seemed to confirm what they said about her, lo and behold they were the catalyst that caused the transformation. They were the vehicle that turned the vision into the evidence of things not seen.

What I’ve found is that it takes great courage, great strength to be that soft, that vulnerable. But still I pray to You for the courage and the strength to do it. I want to be the woman You created me to be. I long to stop trying and crying and striving and just sit back and allow You to flow through me.

Seeing a glimpse of a strikingly breathtaking woman that God showed a little dark-skinned, broken girl She stands looking at the reflection, and realizing that it was her own reflection all along. So different from the lies, so deceitful were the tears.

Such and Such

Have you ever looked at your life and thought ‘God has been good to me.’ You think of the things that He’s blessed you with and the things that He protected you from. You think of the situations that have occurred in other’s lives that somehow you avoided—not by any goodness of your own just by His grace and mercy. He has filled that God-shaped void in your life and You are fully aware that He’s been wonderfully good to you. Still somewhere in your heart, there is a desire for one thing—just one thing that hasn’t been fulfilled. And it seems that one thing is the thing that’s more important than all the others.

For both Hannah and Rachel, it was a baby. Jacob was so intent on having an inheritance and a birthright that he stole it from his brother. Caleb cried out in tenacious anguish “Give me my mountain!” David finally comes into his kingdom and conquers all of his enemies but in that moment of peace, he realized that his heart was at unrest. It was at that point that he made his greatest error. We don’t know what was missing in his heart, we only know that he was not satisfied. The most fascinating part of this story was when Nathan, the prophet, voiced God’s heart on the matter. After describing in detail all that He had given David, God said:

“…and if [that had been] too little, I would moreover have given unto thee such and such things.”

Unfortunately, we as Christians have been taught that desire equals lust. And dissatisfaction is a mask for ungratefulness. So, when faced with desires, we harbor them in secret, silence until they become lusts or we try to fulfill them in ungodly ways. Eventually like James writes, we are drawn away with them and fall into sin.

But Psalm 84:11 says that our God will not withhold any good thing from those that walk upright. But God said “Such and such”. In other words, you fill in the blank. The implication is that if you would have told me, cried out to me, said to me that you were not satisfied I would have given you the desire of your heart. Its very likely that whatever that desire is, like Rachel’s and Hannah’s and Caleb’s, God put it there in the first place!

He’s asking the same question to us today ‘What would satisfy your soul?’. Don’t hide it. Cry out to Him—place it in His hand and His timing. If you allow Him to fill the void, He will allow you to fill in the blank.

Humility v. Greatness

Since watching the movie Coach Carter, Nelson Mandela’s quote seems to be reverberating in my heart almost daily like a unyielding challenge.

‘…You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world…We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us.’

My response has been ‘how?’ How does a broken person full of frailty manifest the glory of God? How do you step into the greatness that God deposited within you on one hand but maintain the humility that God requires on the other?

Still the challenge did not yield. But, I finally got this answer. Humility is not the opposite of greatness, but of pride. Confidence is not an affront to humility, self-confidence is.

Further, I was reminded of Philippians 4:13 - I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. In this one scripture, the perfect balance of humility and confidence is found. The Apostle’s confidence is displayed by declaring that he can do all things. He can conquer whatever comes against him and no situation can present itself that he cannot handle. That is confidence!

However, before concluding that thought he adds ‘through Christ...’ Although he can do all things he recognizes that it is only through Christ that he can accomplish anything. He goes further to say ‘…who strengthens me.’ In this phrase, the Apostle Paul acknowledges the primary thing that causes those who would be great to stumble. He acknowledges that he is weak and that in order for him to have the ability do all things, he is fully dependent the strength of Christ.

This article’s title is an eye-catching error. Greatness does not wage war with humility. In fact, greatness only exists in harmony with humility. Greatness is achieved by realizing who you are in God. But humility, which is required to know God, is perfected in knowing just as certainly who you are without Him.

Strengthening Our Arms

In Proverbs 31, a very wise mother, speaking to her son a king, describes in detail a virtuous woman. In reading and studying this passage over many years, one phrase that I always found interesting is that King Lemuel’s mother takes the time to say in verse 17 that the this ideal woman “strengtheneth her arms”.

Although a case can be made for the need to exercise, especially in our country of epidemic obesity, I’m not sure that this royal mother was taking the time to impress upon her son, perhaps in the process of choosing a Queen, that the woman he chooses should be one who exercises. And although I’m not quite sure what the Queen mother was saying I’d like to give you my perspective on strengthening our arms.

Our arms are the part of us that can reach beyond where we are standing and accomplish the intentions that are birthed in our hearts. Without arms, nothing could be accomplished outside of the circumference of our body. In other words, we’d have no ability to affect anything beyond our immediate proximity. We are cut off. When we strengthen our arms, we give added power to our appendages to perform with greater ease. Providing not only extension but also increasing our ability to accomplish our purpose within that reach.

Women, we have powerful arms that reach far beyond us. They are our children. Our words, our Godly examples, our prayers, and our love strengthen them. Acts as simple as checking homework, attending school conferences or being a cheerleader at a basketball game. Just like the Queen mother, who’s son became a powerful voice in the inspired Word of God, as our children extend beyond our time, they affect the world in ways and in times that we may not see. But as they go forward slaying dragons, building empires and taking the world by storm, like Lemuel they’ll remember a mother who didn’t forget to strengthen her arms

Nice Shoes!

Isn’t it funny how we women can accumulate a plethora of shoes? After all, a lady has to have at least one pair in every color. Then there are sandals and boots and of course, every diva has to have just one pair of stilettos, right?

It seems that for women shoes take a backseat to only one other obsession--beauty. There are nail salons on every corner offering pedicures, manicures, facials, and waxing. The cosmetic industry is a billion dollar game. For a small fortune, one can surgically enhance those areas that don’t seem to be responsive to workouts. Then there’s the local beauty supply store. I can’t even fathom a guess at their revenue per month just on hair weaves alone.

So, what is the connection—shoes & beauty? The common thread is that they are both accessories. Have you ever bought a bad pair of shoes even though you had nothing to wear them with? I’m guilty. Those shoes stayed in my closet for years until I finally gave them away. And therein is the dilemma. I mean, you can wear the outfit without the shoes but unless you are looking for jail time, you can’t wear the shoes without the outfit! Doesn’t that make the clothing the major thing and the accessories the minor?

However, if beauty is but an accessory? What should a woman’s clothing be? The Proverbs tells us that the virtuous woman was clothed with ‘strength and honor’.

Strength – authority, ability, influence
Honor — respect, admiration, reputation

Nowhere in Proverbs 31 does the text refer to the woman’s physical appearance. In fact, the author calls beauty ‘vain’. The word used for ‘vain’ in this scripture means breath or vapor--in other words enjoy it while you can, sisters, it is passing!

So like a bad pair of shoes, beauty is nice, but if we make it the main thing time will disappoint us sorely. Leaving us with worn out stilettos and nothing to wear.

Apples or Oranges?

Theology is the study of God. Hermenutics is a branch of the study of theology. For our purposes we’ll call Hermenutics the study of the interpretation of the Bible. Within this study of Hermenutics there are several principles one such principle of The Principle of First Mention suggests that the context in which a subject is first mentioned in the Bible sets forth God’s truth regarding that subject.

For example, the first mention of dance in the Bible is at the crossing of the Red Sea in Exodus chapter 15. Miriam, the sister of Aaron, is said to have led the women in dances in praise to God for His miraculous deliverance from the Egyptians. Therefore, dance in its first mention in the scriptures is connected to praise and worship. Regardless of future mentions for example in the story of Salome and the beheading of John the Baptist, its first mention establishes that dance in its original purpose is praise.

In keeping with this Principle of First mention, it is exciting to see that we first meet God in Genesis 1:3 as Elohim, the Creator. He is speaking light into darkness and His breath quickens dust to life. He is the God who speaks what is not into existence. This is His nature—His character. If so, then we being made in His image, are also able to speak words that can frame our world. We are instructed in Proverbs, the Book of Wisdom that:

Death and life [are] in the power of the tongue: and they that love it shall eat the fruit thereof.
Proverbs 18:21

What fruit are you experiencing in your life? It is a result of the words you are speaking. Don’t worry if apples are not your preference and you’d rather have oranges…its all up to you. The words of your mouth can produce the fruit of your choice. Take some time to consider your words today.

What’s Your Name?

Although I grew up attending Sunday school regularly, while reading through the Gospels recently one story in particular stood out to me all over again. Remember Bartimaeus, the son of Timaeus? In the book of Mark, he sat on the roadside begging as Jesus and His disciples passed by.

When Bartimaeus heard that it was Jesus passing by, he began to shout out to Him in desperation. Although the by standers demanded that he be quiet, Bartimaeus cried out all the more. The fact was that he had a problem. He wasn’t content to just allow the Solution to pass him by. He wasn’t satisfied and he wasn’t willing hide his dissatisfaction behind a mask of religious propriety to appease the 'church folk' around him.

Bartimaeus’ problem was that his situation was making a mockery of his destiny. His name Bartimaeus translated as son of Timaeus, means that Bartimaeus was the son of the one who was “highly prized”. Rather than being the second generation of "highly prized" individuals he was sitting on the side of the road begging. He could have just given in and accepted this as his lot, but he was determined that this would not be how his story ends. Instead, he cried out loud!

Did you know that you could get Heaven’s attention? Did you know that the Son of God would listen if you called? Well, Bartimaeus created such a ruckus that the Son of God stopped in His tracks. Jesus’ words to him were ‘What wilt thou that I should do unto thee?’. At that point, that moment in time a blind beggar who sat on the roadside in Jerusalem had all the attention of heaven. The angels were perched ready to enact Jesus’ command on Bartimaeus’ behalf. All the creative power in the Word of God was holding its breath waiting for Bartimaeus’ response. Just because he had the humility and the tenacity to cry out for help in spite of pride, opposition and disapproval.

I wonder how many other people in that crowd had needs but didn’t cry out that day. I wonder how many of us walk around broken, wounded and stressed from problems in our lives. How many of our situations are making a mockery of our destiny. All it takes is to dump the propriety and the religious mask and cry out with the humility and desperation of a blind man. Don't let the Solution pass you by!!

What’s your name? How will your story end?

Breaking the Silence

There is a silent sisterhood among us. Attending prayer meetings, women’s conferences, and choir rehearsals. They are frying chicken and baking cakes for the Fifth Sunday union. They are serving on the Pastor’s Aide board and heading up the Hundred Women in White committee. There they sit among groups of perfectly primped and powdered ladies whose slips never hang and curls never fall. They are sitting there all the time knowing the Truth—but not getting free. Silent women passing each other hopelessly unable to connect—same past, same shame, same issues. Same silence.

Eventually these women either join the merry façade and learn to hide the facts of their journey under a cloak of self-righteousness or they decide that if we’re all going to be hypocrites, then I’ll just slip and tip and keep doing what I do. Either way we end up with a shallow, whitewashed form of Christianity and no power. Another generation of youth step into the leadership in local and maybe even national churches and it starts all over again.

The level of my power varies directly with the level of Truth I am willing to embrace. My joy is determined by my ability to separate fact from Truth. Which is the fact that Mary Magdalene was a whore or that she was the first person to whom was revealed the resurrected Christ? Which is the Truth that Rahab was a harlot or that she was the only one that was saved in her city and she ended up being in the lineage of Jesus Christ?

But blood identifies you. It holds your DNA. It separates you from the group. Even if you deign to hide among the group—deny your own process and the pain that brought you to your current position. Your blood has been found at the scene of the crime—you are identified. All of our hands are bloody. We have all sinned and come short of God’s glory. And nothing can remove that blood -- but His.

I’m not suggesting that everyone should write a blog and reveal their innermost thoughts. That was my directive. I am suggesting that we break the silence. That like Jesus’s nail prints we wear our scars like badges of honor. They are authority. They’re evidence of battles fought. And the fact that you are still standing in the Kingdom is evidence that the battle was not just fought but won.

We overcome by the blood of the Lamb and the word of our testimony. (Revelation 12:11)

Don’t deny the world your testimony.

Delight Yourself Also...

My New Home Purchased 5/2010 - One desire of my heart.

Have you ever considered Psalms 37:4 closely? Its the verse where God says He will give us the desires of our heart. Sometimes I remind God of that scripture when I really, really want something. I remind Him of His promise but as I considered the scripture or "meditated" on it one night, I realized a few things.... Yes, God did promise that but there is a little something is missing. Part A of that scripture says "Delight thyself also in the Lord...".

First the scripture is written as a command. Not as a suggestion or as something that will happen to us beyond our control or when we're not enacting our will upon the circumstance. It tells us to do something. For instance if I said 'Celebrate your birthday'. Its not as if some uncontrollable force is going to cause you to celebrate your birthday. You have to make a choice. YOu have to plan a party, buy decorations, bake a cake, send invitations, put some music on and dance. Its all an act of your will.

To delight yourself in the Lord is the same. You have to choose to develop an appetite for His Word--it is an acquired taste. You have to choose to dwell in the temple - or the church with the other saints--yes, I do realize that its not always easy. You have to stoke the flames of your passion for His presence. These are things that you have to do to delight yourself in the Lord.

Only then does He promise that He will give you the desires of your heart. Once your heart delights itself in Him only then are the desires of your heart pure enough for Him to grant. Note that Jer 17:9 says that the heart is wicked and evil above all things. Do you really think that God would grant that heart its desires? Only a heart that is breathlessly in love with Him and to whom He has become its delight--only that heart will be granted its desires.

Notice that there is an 'also' in the verse. The word 'also' means in addition to. In addition to what? In addition to whatever was just said in the preceeding verse:

Trust in the LORD, and do good; [so] shalt thou dwell in the land, and verily thou shalt be fed. (Psalms 37:3) Delight thyself also in the Lord and He will give thee the desires of your heart. (Psalms 37:4)

So King David commands:
1. Trust in the Lord
2. Do good
Result - you will dwell in the Land (of promise) and you'll be fed
3. Delight yourself in the Lord
Result -- He will give you the desires of your heart.

In addition to trusting in God and doing good, If I delight myself in Him also I'll have my hearts desires.

What is your heart's desire? Does it flow from a heart that beats for Him? Yes? Then rest assured be confident, that thing will be yours.

Who Would I Be?

A few weeks ago, the Holy Spirit posed a question to me. "Who would you be if you were secure in My love?" Wow! What a mouthful--on so many levels.

While I realize that I have some issues receiving love I never considered how that flaw and yes it is a flaw--ultimately a lack of faith in the character of God--but we'll get to that later. I never realized how that flaw has colored not just my relationships with people but also my relationship with Him.

I could see this flaw in so many relationships. With my family. With my children. Romantic relationships. In different ministries. Even at work. I can see how having such a flaw manifests itself in fear, low self esteem, depression, shame and so many other tricks from the enemy. If its a flaw that brings many other chains and bondages with it, I think we can be safe calling it a stronghold.

His question reminded me so much of Kirk Franklin's song "Imagine Me". At one point in the song Kirk ad libs these words "Now imagine the Father saying its gone...what your mother did, what your father said...its in the past...its yesterday" One day listening to those words it dawned on me. Then this beautiful voice sings out "I can't beleive its gone!" Voicing the wonder in my own heart. You know what it IS gone. Its all gone. I just have such a hard time accepting it. Letting it go myself. Imagine me if I could. Like the Holy Spirit said Who would I be?

Well, I'd be much more secure as a person. Because if I had a true revelation of how much He loves me I'd understand that His promises apply to me. No weapon formed against me shall prosper and every tongue that rises up against me in judgement I have the authority to condemn.

I'd be able to forgive myself when I mess up because I'd know that He is rooting for me along with that great cloud of witnesses mentioned in teh book of Hebrews.

I'd be fearless like David and like Joshua. I'd take more chances because I'd realize that His character and His nature is to bless my efforts. I'd be a giant slayer, a mountain mover, I'd be Peter on the day of Pentecost or Paul at Athens. I'd be God's champion. Absolutely unstoppable.

You know what else? I'd laugh more, love like getting hurt wasn't possible, I'd lose my inhibitions, I'd dance in public again. lol

I'd enjoy my life more because I wouldn't be performing for others, trying to be perfect hoping that I won't be rejected again. Hoping that they'll love me. He would have already filled that gaping, yawning void.

You know what I've decided? I'm going to be that person now. Right now. Because the truth of the matter is that He DOES love me. (John 3:16) God is love. (I John 4:8) Love is His character. Love is Who He is. And I'm the apple of His eye. (Zech 2:8) He sees my wanderings and bottles my tears. (Psalms 56:8) and numbers my hairs. (Matt 10:30) He has graven me--yeah, right? ME upon the palms of His almighty hands. (Isaiah 49:15) He knew me (Karen) before I was born. (Jeremiah 1:5) He developed a plan for me before the world began. (I Tim 1:9) How cool is that? He actually does love me. With a perfect love!

From the heart of God to my sisters...
"Could a woman forget her nursing child? Yes, But I will not forget you. Look I have tattooed you upon the palms of my hands and your walls (protection, security, safety) are forever before me." (Is 49:15)

I'm gonna live like I'm secure in His love--until I am. Care to join me?

Today I cut all of my hair off. Reason? Hmmm lemme think. I could give you the 'vanilla version' and say that it was all about the damage that had been caused to my hair by multiple overlapping perms or I could tell you about the emotional damage caused by overlapping heartache.

Since this is my first blog post and we probably need to get to know each other a bit I won't go into all of that just yet. But sisters in the future it's gonna be unplugged up in here. I'm willing to show you my scars if it will save you the same. But for now, I'll ease you into my private soap opera.

One thing that I have learned through it all. Faith is not believing that if I believe hard enough everything will turn out as I want it to. Faith is believing that even when it doesn't God is still God and He still has a beautiful plan for my life. All things work together for my good even when all things are not good.

REAL faith is having faith in the character of God even when we cant understand the plan of God. Knowing that even when I'm walking thru the valley of the shadow of death Jehovah Shammah is there with me. Because that's His character. He will never leave nor forsake me. That's Who He is. Yesterday, Today and Always. I can rest my full weight upon that.

Every thing has not turned out according to my plans. If that had happened I'd be somewhere in Hollywood right now writing, directing and producing my 10th blockbuster. I'd be about 125lbs with my own natural hair softly sweeping my shoulders. and my profesisonal athlete, lawyer, doctor or actor husband would be completely enamoured with me. My 2.5 children would all be honor students and our home would clean itself.

That's not my life. And I say like David said "It was good for me that I was afflicted, that I might learn thy statutes." Hallelujah. Yea, I've taken 40 years for a 11 day journey but I'm stronger, wiser, more obedient, I can recognize His voice in my heart and when I hear it everything in my being bows, my body trembles and my soul aches to see His face. Oh! I wouldn't trade that for what I wanted.

I'm praying that God will teach my heart to let go of the other. I want singleness of heart. I don't want to mourn my losses. The life that I should have had, the life that I wish I had, mourn my divorce, mourn my mistakes. I want to do like Paul and forget those things which are behind and press toward the mark of the prize of the high calling.

Who's with me? You ready??? Lets go!

Chronicles of a Queen - Chapter 1

The following is the personal chronicle of my journey. Included are musings, epiphanies, and encounters. Included are mistakes and shortcomings, strengths and triumphs. My life-blood is on these pages. Not that I presume that my journey has been so significant that it deserves public consideration. The significance is that despite the facts of the journey, all of the horrors and the shame—it was Truth (not facts) that set me free.

Religious people assault you with facts—God confronts you with Truth. They will not get the reasons why I would want to expose myself. That’s ok. There is a silent sisterhood that will. Women who are secretly thinking that because of some past hurt or hurdle they are disqualified. It’s a lie. Whatever your mistakes or shortcomings, no matter how many times you’ve blown it, you are still the apple of God’s eye and His favored daughter—His baby girl. There is still a queen within waiting to come out of the shadows…From Mordicai’s house, from Nabal’s estate, wating to come into her queendom.

I publish these very personal events in my life for one reason. Because God will get the glory. If He delivered me, calls me His own, cherishs me as a beloved Queen, He longs to do the same for you.