Breaking the Silence

There is a silent sisterhood among us. Attending prayer meetings, women’s conferences, and choir rehearsals. They are frying chicken and baking cakes for the Fifth Sunday union. They are serving on the Pastor’s Aide board and heading up the Hundred Women in White committee. There they sit among groups of perfectly primped and powdered ladies whose slips never hang and curls never fall. They are sitting there all the time knowing the Truth—but not getting free. Silent women passing each other hopelessly unable to connect—same past, same shame, same issues. Same silence.

Eventually these women either join the merry façade and learn to hide the facts of their journey under a cloak of self-righteousness or they decide that if we’re all going to be hypocrites, then I’ll just slip and tip and keep doing what I do. Either way we end up with a shallow, whitewashed form of Christianity and no power. Another generation of youth step into the leadership in local and maybe even national churches and it starts all over again.

The level of my power varies directly with the level of Truth I am willing to embrace. My joy is determined by my ability to separate fact from Truth. Which is the fact that Mary Magdalene was a whore or that she was the first person to whom was revealed the resurrected Christ? Which is the Truth that Rahab was a harlot or that she was the only one that was saved in her city and she ended up being in the lineage of Jesus Christ?

But blood identifies you. It holds your DNA. It separates you from the group. Even if you deign to hide among the group—deny your own process and the pain that brought you to your current position. Your blood has been found at the scene of the crime—you are identified. All of our hands are bloody. We have all sinned and come short of God’s glory. And nothing can remove that blood -- but His.

I’m not suggesting that everyone should write a blog and reveal their innermost thoughts. That was my directive. I am suggesting that we break the silence. That like Jesus’s nail prints we wear our scars like badges of honor. They are authority. They’re evidence of battles fought. And the fact that you are still standing in the Kingdom is evidence that the battle was not just fought but won.

We overcome by the blood of the Lamb and the word of our testimony. (Revelation 12:11)

Don’t deny the world your testimony.

Delight Yourself Also...

My New Home Purchased 5/2010 - One desire of my heart.

Have you ever considered Psalms 37:4 closely? Its the verse where God says He will give us the desires of our heart. Sometimes I remind God of that scripture when I really, really want something. I remind Him of His promise but as I considered the scripture or "meditated" on it one night, I realized a few things.... Yes, God did promise that but there is a little something is missing. Part A of that scripture says "Delight thyself also in the Lord...".

First the scripture is written as a command. Not as a suggestion or as something that will happen to us beyond our control or when we're not enacting our will upon the circumstance. It tells us to do something. For instance if I said 'Celebrate your birthday'. Its not as if some uncontrollable force is going to cause you to celebrate your birthday. You have to make a choice. YOu have to plan a party, buy decorations, bake a cake, send invitations, put some music on and dance. Its all an act of your will.

To delight yourself in the Lord is the same. You have to choose to develop an appetite for His Word--it is an acquired taste. You have to choose to dwell in the temple - or the church with the other saints--yes, I do realize that its not always easy. You have to stoke the flames of your passion for His presence. These are things that you have to do to delight yourself in the Lord.

Only then does He promise that He will give you the desires of your heart. Once your heart delights itself in Him only then are the desires of your heart pure enough for Him to grant. Note that Jer 17:9 says that the heart is wicked and evil above all things. Do you really think that God would grant that heart its desires? Only a heart that is breathlessly in love with Him and to whom He has become its delight--only that heart will be granted its desires.

Notice that there is an 'also' in the verse. The word 'also' means in addition to. In addition to what? In addition to whatever was just said in the preceeding verse:

Trust in the LORD, and do good; [so] shalt thou dwell in the land, and verily thou shalt be fed. (Psalms 37:3) Delight thyself also in the Lord and He will give thee the desires of your heart. (Psalms 37:4)

So King David commands:
1. Trust in the Lord
2. Do good
Result - you will dwell in the Land (of promise) and you'll be fed
3. Delight yourself in the Lord
Result -- He will give you the desires of your heart.

In addition to trusting in God and doing good, If I delight myself in Him also I'll have my hearts desires.

What is your heart's desire? Does it flow from a heart that beats for Him? Yes? Then rest assured be confident, that thing will be yours.

Who Would I Be?

A few weeks ago, the Holy Spirit posed a question to me. "Who would you be if you were secure in My love?" Wow! What a mouthful--on so many levels.

While I realize that I have some issues receiving love I never considered how that flaw and yes it is a flaw--ultimately a lack of faith in the character of God--but we'll get to that later. I never realized how that flaw has colored not just my relationships with people but also my relationship with Him.

I could see this flaw in so many relationships. With my family. With my children. Romantic relationships. In different ministries. Even at work. I can see how having such a flaw manifests itself in fear, low self esteem, depression, shame and so many other tricks from the enemy. If its a flaw that brings many other chains and bondages with it, I think we can be safe calling it a stronghold.

His question reminded me so much of Kirk Franklin's song "Imagine Me". At one point in the song Kirk ad libs these words "Now imagine the Father saying its gone...what your mother did, what your father said...its in the past...its yesterday" One day listening to those words it dawned on me. Then this beautiful voice sings out "I can't beleive its gone!" Voicing the wonder in my own heart. You know what it IS gone. Its all gone. I just have such a hard time accepting it. Letting it go myself. Imagine me if I could. Like the Holy Spirit said Who would I be?

Well, I'd be much more secure as a person. Because if I had a true revelation of how much He loves me I'd understand that His promises apply to me. No weapon formed against me shall prosper and every tongue that rises up against me in judgement I have the authority to condemn.

I'd be able to forgive myself when I mess up because I'd know that He is rooting for me along with that great cloud of witnesses mentioned in teh book of Hebrews.

I'd be fearless like David and like Joshua. I'd take more chances because I'd realize that His character and His nature is to bless my efforts. I'd be a giant slayer, a mountain mover, I'd be Peter on the day of Pentecost or Paul at Athens. I'd be God's champion. Absolutely unstoppable.

You know what else? I'd laugh more, love like getting hurt wasn't possible, I'd lose my inhibitions, I'd dance in public again. lol

I'd enjoy my life more because I wouldn't be performing for others, trying to be perfect hoping that I won't be rejected again. Hoping that they'll love me. He would have already filled that gaping, yawning void.

You know what I've decided? I'm going to be that person now. Right now. Because the truth of the matter is that He DOES love me. (John 3:16) God is love. (I John 4:8) Love is His character. Love is Who He is. And I'm the apple of His eye. (Zech 2:8) He sees my wanderings and bottles my tears. (Psalms 56:8) and numbers my hairs. (Matt 10:30) He has graven me--yeah, right? ME upon the palms of His almighty hands. (Isaiah 49:15) He knew me (Karen) before I was born. (Jeremiah 1:5) He developed a plan for me before the world began. (I Tim 1:9) How cool is that? He actually does love me. With a perfect love!

From the heart of God to my sisters...
"Could a woman forget her nursing child? Yes, But I will not forget you. Look I have tattooed you upon the palms of my hands and your walls (protection, security, safety) are forever before me." (Is 49:15)

I'm gonna live like I'm secure in His love--until I am. Care to join me?

Today I cut all of my hair off. Reason? Hmmm lemme think. I could give you the 'vanilla version' and say that it was all about the damage that had been caused to my hair by multiple overlapping perms or I could tell you about the emotional damage caused by overlapping heartache.

Since this is my first blog post and we probably need to get to know each other a bit I won't go into all of that just yet. But sisters in the future it's gonna be unplugged up in here. I'm willing to show you my scars if it will save you the same. But for now, I'll ease you into my private soap opera.

One thing that I have learned through it all. Faith is not believing that if I believe hard enough everything will turn out as I want it to. Faith is believing that even when it doesn't God is still God and He still has a beautiful plan for my life. All things work together for my good even when all things are not good.

REAL faith is having faith in the character of God even when we cant understand the plan of God. Knowing that even when I'm walking thru the valley of the shadow of death Jehovah Shammah is there with me. Because that's His character. He will never leave nor forsake me. That's Who He is. Yesterday, Today and Always. I can rest my full weight upon that.

Every thing has not turned out according to my plans. If that had happened I'd be somewhere in Hollywood right now writing, directing and producing my 10th blockbuster. I'd be about 125lbs with my own natural hair softly sweeping my shoulders. and my profesisonal athlete, lawyer, doctor or actor husband would be completely enamoured with me. My 2.5 children would all be honor students and our home would clean itself.

That's not my life. And I say like David said "It was good for me that I was afflicted, that I might learn thy statutes." Hallelujah. Yea, I've taken 40 years for a 11 day journey but I'm stronger, wiser, more obedient, I can recognize His voice in my heart and when I hear it everything in my being bows, my body trembles and my soul aches to see His face. Oh! I wouldn't trade that for what I wanted.

I'm praying that God will teach my heart to let go of the other. I want singleness of heart. I don't want to mourn my losses. The life that I should have had, the life that I wish I had, mourn my divorce, mourn my mistakes. I want to do like Paul and forget those things which are behind and press toward the mark of the prize of the high calling.

Who's with me? You ready??? Lets go!

Chronicles of a Queen - Chapter 1

The following is the personal chronicle of my journey. Included are musings, epiphanies, and encounters. Included are mistakes and shortcomings, strengths and triumphs. My life-blood is on these pages. Not that I presume that my journey has been so significant that it deserves public consideration. The significance is that despite the facts of the journey, all of the horrors and the shame—it was Truth (not facts) that set me free.

Religious people assault you with facts—God confronts you with Truth. They will not get the reasons why I would want to expose myself. That’s ok. There is a silent sisterhood that will. Women who are secretly thinking that because of some past hurt or hurdle they are disqualified. It’s a lie. Whatever your mistakes or shortcomings, no matter how many times you’ve blown it, you are still the apple of God’s eye and His favored daughter—His baby girl. There is still a queen within waiting to come out of the shadows…From Mordicai’s house, from Nabal’s estate, wating to come into her queendom.

I publish these very personal events in my life for one reason. Because God will get the glory. If He delivered me, calls me His own, cherishs me as a beloved Queen, He longs to do the same for you.